Almost over

For years , I have held on to false hope.

Held on because I was unwilling to let it end.

I have been pushed to the extremes now.

I have been devastated mentally , physically , emotionally and financially.

I am having a very hard time holding on.

I just wish Allah would show me a way out ...

BACK TO DARKNESS

I am like a wandering soul in darkness. The guardian angel in darkness. Anyone who seems to be falling into depression and despair happens to bump into me. When the world is unaware of their plight and least bothered in them they find support from me. As they move back to the light , they all seem to forget the one who helped them in their darkest hour. So here I remain in the dark waiting to help the soul after soul who fall in despair , yet never finding anyone who'd pull me out too.

Perhaps this is my greatest gift. Perhaps this is my greatest curse...

LYING BASTARD

She has been asking me for days...

I still cannot figure out why but I think she really wants me to come...

I am stupid , yes I know...

I am not supposed to get involved with someone from work.

I am not supposed to get involved in some junior colleague.

I am married , and am not supposed to be taking interest in single girls.

Yet

I am stupid enough to have committed all three mistakes at the same time...

Its not that I am having an affair , its just a very odd friendship.

A friendship which now will slowly die

Because she has chosen another speciality and well in a couple of months she will but have forgot about the people and assholes she met here.

It is supposed to be the farewell. And I am supposed to attend.

Yet I lie to her , and to myself as I lie to everyone else to find a reason not to go...

I am not going on any trip...

but I don't have the courage ..

the courage to tell her ...

that I am BROKE...

I am broke financially
I am broke emotionally
I am broke physically
I am broke mentally

and

I am a lying bastard...

IDIOT

I am not sure what to think of myself. 

Whether I am an idiot or a lonely heart or just deep down a ridiculously big flirt. 

It is strange but I usually don't talk much to the people of the opposite gender. But once every few years I find interest in a person whom I am in-resistibly attracted to often with extremely disappointing results.

It happened now once again and I find myself in a silly situation where my heart and my mind seem to be pulling me in opposite directions. 

What can I do now?

She once hinted her interest in me ... but my confusion led me to think and think and think about her but not do anything about it...

Now she told me although indirectly that she is no longer interested in me.....

and it really breaks my heart and makes me feel sad...

Am not sure why ?

Was I horny ? Am I lonely ? Was it just a crush ? Was it something else?

Am I so over-worked or am I just using this as an excuse?

I have no idea ...

Am seriously and totally devastated by this turn of events and I hate myself for once again allowing myself to be drawn in by someone from the opposite gender...

There can be no friendship between a man and a woman....sadly

S H A R K

At a recent conference of great surgeons of this country which had gathered together HE gave a lecture about teams... and it is then when finally after years of hard-work and depression I finally realized why I could never be the one he likes.

He is looking for Sharks.

IMPRESSED

I must say

I didn't believe it could have been

But it happened...

... although not exactly what I was thinking

but still its not bad

If someone thinks of me as a "GENTLEMAN" and "PYAREY"

IDIOT

For weeks I have acted like a complete idiot.

She's made me act like an idiot.

And I guess I got what I deserved.

I found out she talking to everyone and being frank with everyone.

There is nothing "special" between us.

Am just acting like a middle aged lonely idiot.

Today she completely ignored me.

I guess I deserve all I got. I was acting like an idiot. Why the hell anyone would be interested in me?

Back to the lonely depressed world where I belong...

THE BREAKUP

I went out and forgot to take my phone with me...
Came back and saw her sitting there ... the look on her face... she had found out her man was having an affair!!!
It had been a few days ... I noticed her sitting and quietly observing me while I had been texting ... Hell she had noted my code and had unlocked my cell while I was away...

... she had read it all... and she was mad...

It was not that I am having an affair... not even sexting ... just simple messages... but my argument that I was extremely lonely ...I guess really had no chance...my texts to a junior colleague were under scrutiny... nothing but flirting and lust ... I stand accused...in the society that we live in such relationships have no name... and are often looked upon with dirty intentions...

She got family and friends... am left with not a single soul... yet she is not willing to understand this...

NO HELP POLICY

Because we work in a system , where merit means nothing and one must have money or SIFARISH ( a term for a bribe based on money , political or otherwise family or organizational backing) it comes as no surprise that the doctors are often running from pillar to post to get some... 

Partly its our own fault since we all love to be at the place where we like to work. Promotions and postings can be achieved by those well connected.

and for the less fortunate it brings often misery.... mental anguish and emotional suffering at seeing those below them coming and sitting on their heads just because of this... 

turns out HE too tends to have a no help policy... kind of sad when you consider that we work day and night for him ...and it is within his power to help each and everyone of us... yet he does nothing...

D U M B

re CONTACT

So I had  a crush ...
Am human...
I got desires...
But I keep them in check...

Reality check ....

Am living a very difficult and hard life
am strange and complicated
am not exactly the material girl's dreams are made of
most of the people in my life are angry / upset/ sad with me
so I don't think I should even think of making anyone suffer any of this by coming close to me

so I finally convince my self to get over her
and I just shut my mouth
and make absolutely no contact
but then
she makes contact

CRUSH STORY

30th Nov
notice her for the first time
1st Dec
saw her looking cool in canteen
9th Dec
meet her friend at the door of the ward. an ex-internee and 'think' that see her unable to take her eyes off my face and her lovely smile
17th Dec,19th & 21st Dec
unable to take my eye off her
28th Dec
snap a few secret pics
30th Dec
she does something ... comes and sit exactly across me... looks at me ... smiles ... looks at her friend ... smiles... (atleast thats what I think)
5th Jan
ask another internee for her no. msg her.
somewhere between 5th and 20th jan
'mistakenly' send her msgs and she also responds
21st jan & 22nd Jan
take initiative and joke with her on chat
27th & 28th Jan
talk a lot on chat... feel real good...
asks a favour
she comes and sit right besides me ... almost touching me... place a can of soft drink in between us... she repeatedly touches it as if to move it... am confused.... think it is all in my mind... try best to ignore it ...(sadly)
30th Jan
fulfil the favour
31st Jan
she sends thankyou msg
night of 1st & 2nd feb
'mistakenly' send her a text
talk for hours
frankly and freely
shares her birthdate
but by end suddenely mood changes ... like she suddenely wants to back off
3rd Feb
sends a message
indirectly telling to back off

now I sit and wonder
what the hell did I do?
what the hell just happened?
what the hell was I thinking?
was it something real or just something fucked up my mind imagined ?
now I sit broken for no reason
sad & depressed
promising myself never to open up to anyone again ...

Heart vs Mind

I cannot imagine the silly things the so called LOVE makes us do. . .

It cannot be LOVE.
Not again ...
not her ...
whats wrong with me ?

The sane part of my mind says its nothing... 
... its just the fact that am so much over worked and understress and lonely all the time that the fact that a human could be insterested even a bit in me has made my heart bonkers...

too bad ... cause today all day I sit near her and she doesn't even look towards me... 

Guess the mind is right and the heart is wrong 

NOT AGAIN

i cannot look directly at her 
and eye contact is hell
its like it is burning into my soul

she is in no way a physical match for me 
yet i love her smile and the way she moves

i love the way she talks
i so want to talk to her but i keep myself away

maybe its my mind playing games with me but i feel that she feels the same way too 
the thought that she will be leaving in a week scares me and makes my heart sink

i just want time to freeze
i make so much effort to spend time around her

yet i force myself to stay away
what the hell this is not supposed to happen...
i have already found the one !
how can this be ?
what the hell.....

SELFISH LOVE

i don't know.
maybe it is something wrong with me.
but i find that most people are selfish.
very selfish.
so selfish that when they love it is also selfish.
everyone wants to love so that they can be happy...
no one cares about the object of their desires... if it makes them happy or not?
if its love should it not make both people happy ?
how can you restrict the other person and expect them to conform to your desires to show your love?
i don't know. maybe its just me. but if you really love someone you should do everything to make that person happy....not to keep yourself happy...