DUMB ASS

That would be me.

In less than 36 hours I have to sit for my exam and I cannot study.

I just absolutely cannot study.

I hate myself and am going to fail the exam.

Two years of hard work and now before the exam I have completely lost it.

Sad thing I that I feel no sense of urgency or depression over this!

2nd Chance Part IV

Sitting alone at the end of the hall surrounded by  a crowd yet totally alone!
A fake smile on my face to hide the tears in my heart!
I sobbed as I saw the things I had wanted slip away from me one by one.

His success at this event had ensured him the position at the head of the pack.

I felt it was mine.But now there is no doubt in my heart that with this event he has taken it so far away from me that it is UN-reachable.

I wonder perhaps it is he who really deserves this.

And this is not the first time. Perhaps due to my lack of confidence,my lack of self-belief, I have had this opportunity taken away from me twice already.

Sometimes I think that I actually never want this , yet I am saddened to be always considered the most eligible guy and yet be ignored at the last minute.

After all my life would be very easy without it.

However this thinking of mine has lead me to become a hermit. I shun anything that requires effort. As a result I am becoming a lonely sad man. Even in youth , I feel like I am carrying the burden of centuries on my shoulders!

I don't think there is anyone I could blame for this predicament except me.

Cud blame God for being so ironically cruel!

Cud blame my family for first over-protecting me and now undermining me.Placing a lot of stress on me. Lot of needless stress.

I could blame my mentor for first holding me back and now blaming me for not being the sharpest!

But really the only ONE I should actually blame is ME ! ! !

If there is something I should learn , it is to change myself.

I must learn to improve the human being that I am.

Otherwise my life shall be a total loss!

2nd Chance PART III

Life seems like a disaster.

But I must admit I don't deserve this 2nd chance.

He is a much better candidate for this slot than me.

I hate to admit it but its true.

2nd Chance PART II

Read part 1 here.

Ever since I have considered that I may be given a second shot at glory a string of unfortunate events has happened.

It is not like me to want position or power. But this time it was different. This time I actually looked forward to what benefits this opportunity may  present to me.

But sadly a sting of calamities have happened since then which have totally devastated my standing in the eyes of my MENTOR.

I really think I am no longer going to even be considered for this anymore.

:(

Losing our humanity

Killing of any being , even if he happens to be a mass-murderer, should not be celebrated.

I strongly believe this.

How does it make us any better than the monster we killed if we also take joy in the killing of a living being ?

But sadly I believe we are losing it, losing our humanity. It has been a steady decline. But with death and gore on the idiot box 24/7 it is not long before we evolve into some kind of hideous creature visitors from another planet will have a hard time calling "intelligent life".

DONE FOR NOW

Gave my exam today.

Lets hope for the best.

Result due in a few days.

Return of Phobia II

The admit card for the exam just arrived.

In less than 1 hour I have gone from utter depression to ecstasy!

From the fear of failing miserably to being so damn sure of passing I didn't want to study anymore!

Return of Phobia

Its been a while since I felt this.

This sense of confusion. This inability to think straight and concentrate.

This weakness in my body , emptiness in my mind and pain in my soul.

God No! ! !

It is time for another exam.

Its been a while.

Almost 2 years to be exact.

But now with less than 2 weeks to my next exam, I am petrified.

I have a huge phobia of exams. And it leaves me near to death.

2nd Chance

I let it go once before too. . .

It seems fate has decided to give me another chance.


And it looks like I am going to take it this time.

Only time will tell whether I was right the last time or this time . . . . .

T H E D E A L

Many years ago , when I used to be a little boy I was taught about how we would be punished after death for our sins. How we would burn in hell for all the bad things we do today.

It was not something that was easy for me to accept.

I didn't want to burn in hell.

Still don't.


So I prayed.

Prayed very hard.


That I be punished for all my sins, not after death, but right here on earth.

Instead of hell after death I prayed for hell on earth.


Ever since that day , whenever I do something "BAD" it usually doesn't take more than 24 hours for me to get into some kind of wicked trouble.

Almost seems like my prayers came true.

SELF DESTRUCTION

I am on a path of self-destruction.

And I cannot stop myself. . .

Obsession

After spending all 4 days of EID in hospitals I think I have realized just how much obsessed I am.

And coming home the first thing I do is to indulge in my dirty obsession again!

I need therapy. . .

C A L M

The door flung open. The ward boy stepped in. His face as if he had seen a ghost.

He asked me to come quickly and see a patient who was not doing well.

The door slammed as he stepped out again.

I had just finished seeing all the patients a minute ago. It had taken almost 4 hours. And I was tired.

I sat there thinking what could have gone for a minute. The stood up and walked out.

I reached the patient. His relatives surrounding him. One after the other touching his dressing and then stepping away in horror.

I found that his bogota had burst open due to his persistent cough and his guts were lying on the bed.

Strangely I did not get mortified. I didn't freeze. My mind started working on its own.

It still took me an hour to get the patient to the OT.

But my heart didn't pound once.

I did inform my senior. He couldn't make it.

So it was up to me.

I requested the anesthetist to sedate the patient. But he refused.

So there was I. Alone. With the patient.

And I managed to sew on a new bogota.

All this and I managed to remain calm.

Somehow it made me happy.
Somehow I think I will survive.


The patient didn't though. He expired a few hours later. But his family thanked me when they left. Strange!

T e n s i o n

I have been under a lot of stress lately.

The fact that now I have to earn my own peanuts is a bit stressing. Am working two jobs which leaves me hardly a few days a month to my own.

Have become the senior guy in my batch and as such am supposed to control everyone else. Good luck with that when I got 2 of the trio in my batch. They are giving me hell. Every opportunity they get they make life difficult for me. I am beginning to hate this. Plus all of the surgical work I have been delegating to others. I hard get any blood on my hands. Hardly any cut work. Which I think was a mistake on my part. After the 48 hours I spent yesterday in ER thinking over this I realized my mistake.

There is no point in being good or nice. The world just assumes that as your weakness.

I N D E P E N D E N C E

I am not sure if this is the beginning of it. But today after getting washed up to assist on a case I was told to go do another one ON MY OWN!

My heart didn't pound. My hands didn't shake. I didn't break a sweat.

I did what was to be done without thinking too much about it.

Now I just hope that the case turns out to be fine.

Damn have to wait 5 days to find out ! ! !






STSG

3

PG3!

Damn.

Its a lot of pressure.

Suddenly everyone expects you to be this experienced surgeon who knows everything, works like a machine , doesn't make a mistake and should carry out everything by himself.

But what if you just cannot do all that and more ?

Heaven or Hell

I have been given an opportunity of a lifetime today.

But it is something that requires a lot of sacrifice.

On all accounts.

Health both physical and mental , family life and education.

All are going to suffer if I go down this path.

I sure hope it is worth it.

Life or something like it

This is one of those moments that I will look back on after many years.

I have chosen a difficult path and I sure do hope it is the right one.Despite all the bad things that lie in this path I have chosen it none the less. And I guess it is time to face my fears.

I don't know why I am sometimes disappointed with life?
There is not much that has gone wrong if I stand back and look at it.
From being a nothing to coming all this way and at this age?
I have to realize that sometimes life is hard, but that doesn't mean that one should stop living it.

There will always be people who it would so appear have the easy way , the easy road but not all is as it seems. One should learn to enjoy one's life rather than get depressed because of the "easy road" some other people are getting in life.

One must sometimes give in to destiny to conquer it.

P A R A D O X

Have you ever seen millionaires serving the poor?(unless under a court order)

Wouldn't it seem strange?
Wouldn't the rich guys think nothing much of the poor they are serving ?

That is the paradox that is beginning to plague our health system.

Due to a number of reasons most of the doctors now are way richer than the patients they are supposed to look after.

The falling standard of living , the lack of planning ,  the fact that only the rich can afford to survive on the meagre "handout" given to the doctors as pay/stipend/scholarship and that many private / foreign graduates are now entering to this field all contribute.



It is sometimes worrisome to see this trend.

The masters serving the slaves!
What a paradox!

In pursuit of

I think I have been in pursuit of something.

I have given up a lot , made a lot of sacrifices , suffered a lot over the past many years.

But I am now no longer sure what it is that I am pursuing.

R E A L I T Y C H E C K

Reality.
She is a bitch.
And she bites hard.

It has been a difficult few weeks. I have come to realize that with my source of "peanuts" drying up I will have to earn my own! For which I am hardly adequately ready!

I feel like a mess. I think I don't have the skills to make it anywhere.

Or is is just me , sabotaging myself?

In any case the time is to learn as much as I can as quickly as I can.

I must realize my potential and accept my responsibilities else I am doomed!

Lot more troubled times ahead. . .

NO MORE !

  

Sadly it is no more. 

P I S S E D

That is what I am at the latest attack.

15* armed men managed to attack the navy base and destroy one of the most important aircraft stationed there worth at least 40 million $ a piece( According to reports 2 were destroyed) . Not to mention kill 10 of our men.

All this and the Govt tells us not to "CRITICIZE".


WTF?

Haven't they had enough of a chance to show what they are capable of ?

The biggest chunk of the budget goes to them and for what?

It is one thing to be caught un-aware (though considering their jobs I don't find that forgivable either) but another thing to be stupid enough to get caught in the same situation with your pants down every single time!

A pathetic job to say the least! What hope can we have from these protectors of the nation if they cannot even protect themselves?

And now the media circus has begun.

And soon all this will be forgotten and nothing will be learned from the mistakes that are being made over and over.


* 5-20 depending on various reports. But only 4 of their dead bodies recovered so far. 

R A P T U R E ?

6pm local time!

It began raining as hell.

Quiet unusual.

But it stopped now.

A silent revolution II : Divide et Impera

"In his historical survey Constantine's Sword, James P. Carroll writes,

Typically, imperial powers depend on the inability of oppressed local populations to muster a unified resistance, and the most successful occupiers are skilled at exploiting the differences among the occupied. Certainly that was the story of the British Empire's success, and its legacy of nurtured local hatreds can be seen wherever the Union Flag flew, from Muslim-Hindu hatred in Pakistan and India, to Catholic-Protestant hatred in Ireland, to, yes, Jew-Arab, hatred in modern Israel. Ancient Rome was as good at encouraging internecine resentments among the occupied as Britain ever was."

For 37 days , the young doctors protested. Yet no-one cared for them.The patients suffered. And a huge backlog was created. Yet those in power do not care either about the patients or the doctors.

Let them strike. We can bring in new doctors. They say.

They are the "MESSIAH". They must suffer.

We cannot give them money. Sorry. We cannot give them respect. Sorry.

Everything is for the rulers.


After striking for 37 days the doctors ended their strike ( even without getting anything) on the promise of the CM that their demands will be looked into.

But that was the beginning of the end. The so called "committee" formed to looked into the problems and present a solution within 2 weeks initially used delay tactics.

And now it has dangled the bait of money in front of the doctors.They will be given pay raises but nothing else.It is a hard bait to refuse. And a lot many of the doctors are more than willing to accept it.

Some of the doctors were already SELLOUTS. They are hailing this as a great achievement of the rulers.

The rulers themselves without even paying a dime are portraying themselves as heroes.

But it is the stupid doctors who will now get caught in the crossfire. The people already think that they are being payed heavy sums which is not the case. And with this announcement the government has very cleverly both divided the doctors and also given the impression that it has already solved the doctors problems.

This is far from the truth.

But it is time the doctors change their strategy or else face annihilation.

Not all battles can be won with swords. . . some need brains . . .

DEATH OF PAKISTAN

Yes today OBL was killed.

Frankly, I don't give a shit about OBL.

But I am rather concerned about where he was killed and the attitude of the rulers of this country.

Never mind that while millions of us starve , go without power , gas, water, education and health they continue to plunder the wealth generated by the people of this country.

We are willing to forgive and forget that.

But now a raid smack in the middle of the country by a foreign army? Of which the government and intelligence agencies knew nothing until informed by CNN!?

Why do they claim so much of the budget for themselves if this is what they are capable of?

And why the hell was OBL there in the first place and nothing done ???

What does this say about them , even if they cannot see the most wanted man on the face of the earth?

And as the world celebrates the killing of a mass-murderer we are putting on a show. Our leaders instead of contemplating what the hell just happened and considering the fact that our sovereignty was fucked and raped so badly today are busy in getting themselves into various offices even as I write these words.

Truly , today I am disappointed in belonging to such a pathetic country where neither the leaders nor the nation care anymore for the issues that affect them the most.

WITCH HUNT

 

The death of a patient recently in the ward has lead to a witch hunt.

Fingers are being pointed freely.

Just because the patient happened to be the distant relative of a senior doctor who works at the ward the fact that he was 85 years old and had a long standing heart condition is being overlooked.

I don't mean to say that his life was expendable but death in his case shouldn't be hyped up so much.

Neither do I mean to say that the doctor on duty was doing his duty properly.

That is the point. The system at this ward is so pathetic that it is surprising to me why more patients have not died already.The care the patients receive is pathetic.

Maybe this is what is wrong with us today.
We chose to blame but only after something happens.
And even then we just need a scape goat.
We are not interested in the facts.
Truth is a bitter pill to swallow.
We want quick justice.
Blame some one.

And fry em quick . . .

 BLOGSTONES:

COMPLETED 100 BLOG VIEWS

AND ALSO GOT MY FIRST FOLLOWER
YIPEEE!!!! 

DEAD WEIGHT

Its been one of those days again.

I feel totally useless.

I feel like there is nothing that I can do right.

I feel like I have wasted my time and I have not learnt anything as yet.

I feel like there is no surgery that I can do on my on.

I think I haven't availed the chances that were presented to me.


I feel so sad for myself.

I want to leave this field altogether.

I feel like killing myself. . .

A silent revolution

"  A revolution (from the Latin revolutio) is a fundamental change in power or organizational structures that takes place in a relatively short period of time. "

37 days.
That is how much time the doctors had to protest before the government finally agreed to listen to their demands.

The very people who had previously threatened them of severe consequences , threatened to kick them out of their profession and even called them butchers sat their , silent. Their heads turned down in shame and regret. The doctors had refused to bow down even against all odds. Even against the threat of force and torture. It was a great day , may I say even in the history of this nation.

Here were a bunch of no-bodies who had come together and in doing so had brought down the tall and mighty bureaucrats who thought nothing of them.

The secretaries and advisors who still continue to breathe vial into the ear of the rulers were put to shame by these no-bodies.

In doing so they have given a valuable lesson to this nation.

If the nation ( especially the youth) are willing to believe in something , believe enough that they are willing to stick together for it, stick together against all sorts of oppression and threats , then there is nothing that they cannot achieve.

But here is the sad thing : this revolution seems to have gone un-noticed . . .

C L E R K S

I just hate clerks.

I think they perfectly epitomize what is wrong with our society and country right now.

Inefficient. Arrogant. Corrupt.

They come to work at 9am and leave by 1pm.

Half of that time is spending making and drinking tea.

Moving files from one table to the other takes days rather than minutes.

They sit there with a i-am-so-superior smile when you go to them for something that needs to be done.

They are everything that is wrong with us.

Yet somehow we haven't been able to find an alternative to them.


REASON FOR THIS RANT: The peanuts I work for , have not been payed to me this month.  The clerk told me to bring my attendance. WTF? If I am to do everything why does he get payed? And why not me?

FATE

It is strange. How we want to do things our way. And yet in the end we find that it would have been a lot better if we had just let things me and had not meddled in the first place.

May Allah's way of showing that His plan for us is much better than anything we can think of.

F A C E L E S S

I just happened across old photos of my class. It was a sad picture. There were hardly any pictures in which I was there.

It wasn't a very good experience for me while I was there due to a number of reason.
I have suppressed most of my memories but these picture brought back those painful memories.

Anyhow it just confirms what I had suspected about myself. I had been suffering from depression and probably still am.

Little wonder then that I keep myself constantly busy to keep myself from thinking about such things.

This break due to the ongoing strike has just made me realize that further.
This has been the first time in the last 3 years that I have had this much time off.

However I realize too that in the end it really doesn't matter. We all are going to die and amount to nothing in a few years.

The time that has gone is gone. So there is no point regretting or lamenting over the way I was.

What I must do and do quickly is to change myself and get myself out of this condition!

M E S S I A H

Well today the messiahs of this country are going to get their destiny : Crucification.

Yes. It is believed that it is the duty of doctors to serve humanity even though they themselves may be suffering.

And should they raise any voice, their journey to their destiny should be hastened.

War

A sad day today.

Doctors of Punjab are about to get their asses smacked.

The CM is going to hit them with full force.

It is a sad day indeed.

This is the end for them. Either their demands will be met or they will be treated like dogs ( which they have been for many many years now )

This is what happens :
WARNING HIGHLY GRAPHIC CONTENT. I RECOMMEND THOSE OF WEAK HEART SHOULD NOT VIEW THIS VIDEO AT ALL. 

MIGHT IS RIGHT !
The above video is real. When it was released it sent shock-waves through out the country. We all knew what happens yet to have it shown like this even ashamed us. Just goes to show how far we got to progress before we become "CIVILIZED". 

I am practically unemployed.

The money I earn is hardly enough.

I rely totally on handouts.


Today wasn't a good day.

I learnt that those giving out the hand out will be unemployed soon.

Its time to stand on my own feet or else . . .

As you sow ?

I don't know whether I should even make this post or not.

It is indeed something sad.

But I cannot help myself.

And I feel so guilty for even thinking this.

Someone has passed away and I cannot help but thinking if it were not as punishment to someone else!

B I T C H

I saw her again after a long time.

That Bitch!

It brought back all those terrible memories! The insults! The pain! The shame!

I felt like slapping her to hell.

But as I walked towards to her , it all disappeared. My heart stopped pounding. I felt calm. I just didn't care about all the shit I had gone through. It really didn't matter anymore.

Guess that is the healing power of time.

I greeted her and just kept walking.

Disgraced yet happy

Due to a decision forced onto me by a certain relative I was completely disgraced today.

Its not the end of the world though.

I don't feel sad. Or angry. Just NUMB!
And I know there are bigger things that can go wrong and this stupid thing will be resolved.
I will have to make a lot of effort to correct the stupid decision!

I think I have begun to mature. And am handling the idiotic things that I end up in now better than before.
On the other hand I just realized how much we like to see other people bite the dust. Everyone seems so excited or is it just my perception ?

Is it that the world is laughing at you when you fall down ? or is it the way things appear when you are down on the floor licking your wounds?

CONSEQUENCE

Its been done.

I have resigned.

Now to face the consequences.

Money

Strange how you learn to value it.
How you suddenly realize how so important it is.
20 years of education and hard work and I still don't make 10 bucks a day!

That is horrible.

I am a miser when it comes to money. I don't like to spend it on anything except : FOOD and EDUCATION.


Lets see how much money I would be making 10 years from now.

As for today on the 4th of Feb of the year  2011 I earn 250$ (US) a month.
 

Does he hate me ?

I don't know why I have had this suspicion for the past few months.

He doesn't like me anymore.

My mentor , my love.

Does he hate me ?

Why does he hate me ?

Failure

As I creep around a social website , I see images of people with whom I have no longer been in contact for ages.
They all look so happy and successful.

I have become ugly, fat and lonely.
 
I have become a failure.

Crumbling

I have for a long time held certain views about myself and how one should live life.
But now as I face the realities of life I find these crumbling one by one.
Always believed that I was destined for something big ; but now I think it is just a delusion. I am a good for nothing. There is nothing at which I am particularly good at. Hardly anything that I can get done without messing it up or shitting my pants.
I no longer love what I do. To think of it , it has always been a compromise. Rather the mistaken belief that I would probably grow into it. But as more and more time passes I realize that it just is not happening.

Is this what I should believe?

I work hard. Work honestly. Never try to cheat. Always push aside insults.Always compromise and put others ahead of me.

But where has this lead me ?
And when I look at the people who completely follow rules opposite to mine I see them to be labeled successful. They are the ones who reap the praise and awards.

My confidence which never was one of my strong points has taken some hard hits recently.
I had come a long way from the ill child that I used to be , but I guess not far enough.