Killing with my own hands

I never knew it would hurt so much.

But I had to do it.

Killing what should never have been with my own hands.

A part of me died.

I had to let her go.

Failure to understand

I have become so lonely. . .

With her gone and me fighting my family there is no one to talk to. . .

I don't know why she doesn't understand that I really like her?

I don't know why she is looking for such a perfect girl when I am so full of imperfections?

I don't know if I will ever find someone as understanding and loving as her ?

I don't know why I just didn't keep my mouth shut in the first place and avoid all this heartache?

Am just so lonely. . . and sad. . .

Nearing heartbreak

I like her very much.

And she likes me very much.

It would seem like life has no problems?

But in this little part of the world we cannot move further without our families consent.

And boy are they giving us a hard time.

Although we are from different backgrounds we have ended up together at the same workplace.

Somehow fate brought her to me.

Somehow we felt the same things for each other.

And now somehow our families think we are extremely stupid and just don't want to go anyfurther.

Am torn between her and my family.

My family is all I got but if I cannot imagine being without her.

Even if I think of being without her I go all crazy!

And this we feel like without even dating! or going out! or talking to each other.



But life is getting troubled and I am going to end up in a mess no doubt.

Am heading for heart-break I fear. . .

Love is hard

Its been hard.

Although I thought expressing was the hard part , turns out it is the beginning of the mess :P

Even though we like each other we are from very different backgrounds and it is going to create a lot of problems for us.

Hope we can manage to come out on top.

Is it love ? ? ?

YES !

For the love of God

Yes it is !

HEART BROKEN

I don\t know why but it seems whenever there is something that I want God has to take it away from me.

Now I know I may have been a bit stupid that I could get this girl but she seems so interested in me.

Too bad my parents are totally against it.

And my friends too think I could do so much better.

But I like her so much and the thought of letting her go makes me so sad.

However I am not sure if she is even interested in me that way.

SO now I can either break my parent's heart and risk humiliation and ridicule at the hands of the girl and her parents or stay silent and let my heart be crushed into a million tiny pieces.

I am not sure what I am going to do but it sure hurts as hell!

Am drugging myself to keep busy.

Am ignoring her cause when I see her I so wanna be with her and since I cannot the sight of her makes my heart sink.

I cannot believe I too would fall for someone like this!

But alas tragedy strikes just when happiness in grasp . . .

Could it be ? PART II

Part I here.


I Still haven't answer this question.

I don't have the answer myself.

Maybe she is just being nice?

Maybe I am reading too much into a simple situation.

Or maybe I am so lonely am grabbing at any chance of human interaction ?

No one in their right mind could be interested in me ?

Could they ? ? ?

Who cares?

As I sat there in the corner on the floor in the Operating theater long after the list had ended I couldn't help but wondering : did anyone care about me?

They all knew I was sick. Yet I continued to toil making sure the cases got done.

I had been good to them, always caring for them when the need arose but no one even asked how I felt.

As I sat there coughing my lungs out I realized that all of them had left. The janitors broom came in sweeping the dust away. He didn't give much thought to the surgeon slumped down on the floor.

And you left too ? I thought you would have stayed to ask me what had happened or at least to come away now. At least you were the last to leave and bid me farewell.

And there I sat with my head between by legs , wondering if you were the one?

I am crazy . . .

D E N I A L

Day after day I drag my body to work. The thing that is on my mind is if I will see her.

Even though I pretend to ignore her , I just cannot help by staring at her through the corners of my eyes.

Why does she look sad , why does she like to be lonely ?

Why am I so concerned about her?

When she smiles , though she smiles rarely , she makes my heart filled with joy.

She ain't some angel sent down from heaven. She ain't drop dead gorgeous or drop dead genius.

No reason why I should like her. But I just feel so lonely without her.

How much longer can I deny it?

How much longer can I lie to myself?

But is it wrong? She is my colleague and junior. Am I taking advantage of my position?

Will she able to express herself properly or will she be intimidated by my position?

How long can I deny that I have gotten into one fine mess.

I am afraid to think what would happen if I lose her but in all probability that is how its going to end up!

Top

I have gotten to the top of the residency chain now.

And I realize it is pretty lonely.

Have been so busy working that I failed to realize when it got so lonely.

And I hate it now.

Wish I could go back to times when I was surrounded by friends not patients!

When I surrounded by joy not death!

When I had no worries ! no obligations!

Alas we don't appreciate what we have until it is lost. . .

Manners

Being the in-charge of the surgical floor I recently tried to stream-line the operating list on the floor one fine day.

Bad idea.

Turns out I put the case of a senior at a later time.

Boy was he furious and did I get an ear-full!

Turns out it isn't polite to knock off the case of a senior.

I already knew that.

I just thought we were better.

(guess we are not . . . )

3 years

It been 3 years.

3 years of sweat and blood.

3 years of ups and downs.

3 years of tears and joys.

3 unbelievable and unforgettable years

No matter how life turns out will remember these always . . .

It ain't easy being a doctor

Watch how the police break down the doors and arrest the DOCTORS. Yes these here are doctors being arrested for protesting for their rights.

It ain't easy being a doctor. Hell NO !

R e a l i z a t i o n s

On my 100th post , am going to note down a few things that I have realized.

1. I am getting old and my time is slipping away.

2. My best has come and gone without me knowing it.

3. I love her only because I cannot have her.

4. Life has strange means to make things even in the end.

5. I am a workaholic.

6. I am a perverted soul.

7. I am wasting away my life and youth.

8. If you stay with someone long enough , one even grows fond of the devil.

9. In life , the things that you need are more important that the ones that you like - - -  but it sure is hard to convince oneself about this.

10. I suffer from OCD and Bi-Polar disorders!

Co-incidence???

I do not believe in horoscopes.

I started reading them a few months back just for fun.

Yet I am surprised about the accuracy which they seem to have.

Today of all days frightens me the most.

I wonder if there is more to them than just coincidence ?

FACING THE REALITY

The past 48 hours have been a mixed bag.

I got into a physical tussle with a co-worker and it just revealed how weak physically I am.

I got thrown to the ground by a man half the size of me.

It was a terrible thing to face.

But it just showed me the way that I have been going wrong in my life. A diet of carbs and little physical activity? I have to adjust my lifestyle if I am to be a better man.


On the other hand, HE finally made his decision.

And surprisingly I have been made leader of the clan once again against all odds.

The other dude is believed to be pretty pissed at this turn of events.

However this is not a easy job to handle and am likely to face many many hardships for the next couple of year.

THE PLAN

I have thought about posting this post for some weeks now.

But today I finally think that I should post it.

I have to get it out of my system now.

I do not know why I am why so concerned about this thing.

But to me it seems that he has a plan.

A plan to be the new leader of the clan.

His return from rotational training and his cutting short his honeymoon to be in the ward when the previous registrar is about to step down is nothing but his attempt to gain the seat.

Why should it concern me ? Because I am the one who is being considered next in line. And yet I have a record of always being overlooked. . .

Could it be ?

I have had crushes before. . .

but it feels different this time . . .

could it be ?

could I dare think that this could really be ???

or am I just getting carried away?

Maybe I have been lonely too long . . . worked too many thankless nights alone. . . maybe. . .

I hate this !

It is that time when the new leader of the so called clan is to be decided again.

I hate this time.

It makes me feel so incompetent.

And not to mention the fact that I was already considered to be the best candidate twice and then overlooked at the last moment twice in the past 2 years!

I so want this but I know I am not up to it.

I may desire the power and the free hand that comes with the position but I know I am already at breaking point and any further workload and I may snap like a twig.

I must make up my mind.

Even though the decision is not with me , it is very likely that this time I won't be considered. There are people who are better than me. More suited for this job. More willing to take on the tasks than me. I should just accept the fact that I am not cut out for this.

I have to consider the fact that maybe not getting this position is the best for me.

After all there is more to life than just this!

But it is so hard to accept that you are not the "BEST" and I hate the feeling that it brings . . .

Through hell and back!

There is no pain like the suffering of a loved one.

Recently some one extremely close to me went through a laprotomy and it brought me to my knees.

Emotionally , mentally and physically !

I felt the pain of the people and their relatives who come to us with their suffering.

It has given me a new perspective.

And thankfully all seems to be fine now.

Finally.

Maybe sometimes you have to go through hell just to get where you really want to go.

H O P E

I still haven't lost it.

I still have hope left.

I am going to fight back.

Turmoil

My life has been in turmoil.

With my dad sick and out of job not only I have to worry about his health but also about supporting my family with my meager income.

My career isn't going anywhere either.

Am stuck both financially and academically.

My long stalled task remains! Its been a year. And I am getting really frustrated!