DEJECTED

It is sad not to be loved.
Despite all that you have done , you go un-noticed! Despite all your sacrifices you are unappreciated! Despite all your hard-work you don't even get any gesture of appreciation ! Not even a pat on the back or a few kind words that would have brightened an otherwise gloomy day !
Who says hard work pays ? It DOESN'T!
Somehow I feel dejected and lost.
I have been thinking hard and I think I am not totally without blame. It is my fault I have ended up this way. I had the opportunity of a lifetime and I failed to grasp it with both hands. Luck doesn't smile twice. Misfortune keeps coming back until you fall for it.
I have to change myself. Transform myself.
No body cares for the nice guys. They always finish last.

A new beginning

I cannot believe that it has already been 18 + 6 months!

I have to go away for 6 months now. After which I will have 2 more years to go!

My departure has been hastened and forced by certain events. A lot of loose ends are still left. I need to work fast to bring everything in order.

Am a bit confused and saddened. Cannot believe I just said that! But then again it is me we are talking about. I will probably grow fond of hell even . . .

Anyhow am going to start a new blog from the first day of next year. A blog of daily events and thoughts. Will keep updating this blog as well but with the same frequency as this year.

It is strange. I wonder if someone will even read these words of mine ? Or will they be as forgotten and overlooked as I have been.

PHOBIA

After more than a year of not having to face any exams or tests I finally have to face one tomorrow and I am petrified. I am scared to death.

I wish I could find some corner where I could curl up and cry myself to death rather than give the test tomorrow. The fear of failure is driving me insane.

I seem to have and inexplicable and unreasonable fear for being tested . . .

WHY DOES HE LIKE ME ?

I really don't know. But it is obvious.

He likes me. He makes sure that I am not ignored. He makes sure that when I fall he helps me get up.He is there with his guidance and kind words.

I don't know why . . . 

DEPRESSION

I am having yet again an attack of depression.

I am in a way responsible for bring this on myself. I should have covered my mistake when I had the time to do so but I failed. The cruel words of a senior have brought forth a total loss of confidence in myself. I feel miserable and want to leave this pathetic place. I have been working hard and have got nothing to show for it. I haven't been awarded any piece of work which was worth doing, instead I toil away doing things that no-one wants to do. The dirty and rotten stuff all belong to me. 

Furthermore, I am beginning to question whether I made a right choice to join this field int he first place. I still make basic mistakes or so I am told so. I cannot make up my mind : whether I am a total idiot for failing to learn even after 2 years or whether I am being unfairly singled out.

Another thing is that I have a bad habit of owning up to my mistakes. Most of the people around me feel no compulsion to do so.

Anyhow have got another hectic week ahead.

Hope I don't commit suicide . . . 

New Blood

I just realized something.

There will always be new blood. The newer generation better than you. Praised for the little things that you can do , but everyone takes for granted.

Wonder why this happens ?

But there is no doubt in my mind  about one thing.

Even though we will be out-dated one day, we must fight back as long as possible. . .

I am looking forward to a very difficult week next week!

With my dad going under the knife this tuesday I cannot be realize the fragility of lie.

And with me being on call for the rest of the week it is surely one hell of a week!

I hope everything goes fine . . . 

LOSER

I felt like a loser today! 

It has been almost a year and still the level of skill that I have learned is hardly what it should be.

I am ashamed! I wonder what will happen? There isn't much time left :(

WHIMPER

Not every story ends with a bang ! 

Mine does with a whimper . . . 

And I guess it is how it should. Am 25 and haven't been on a date ! Haven't had a girlfriend! Not so much as a Girl friend!

GEE...........

The Replacement

Ah well I knew this day was coming.

Ever since he came , I felt there was going to come a time when I was to be replaced by him. The two of them like him. They even said it. Last time one of them said it and today the other one finally said that he was the one who should be the replacement.

Its silly! I should be feeling angry and annoyed as I was the one who was supposed to be "THE ONE". Yet strangely I feel nothing ! If anything I feel relieved.

The more this happens the more it makes me realize that I need to turn to my to roots. . . go back to the things that made be wanted in the first place. . .

It has been a while since I posted.

Strange that the thing that finally compels me to share my thoughts is in fact something I mentioned in my last post before this long break.

Was busy in doing my job with as much honesty as I could but I have just found out that hard work gets you nowhere.

Have been sinful and have turned away from the really important thing in life , no matter I end up like I do.

I need to pay more attention to my health and study. Have wasted enough time already.

Regarding what brought me back it is sad that I have such feelings and that I am depressed at someone else's happiness!

Guess I am human after all ! No saint , no angel !

He deserved the applause and appreciation that he got ! I didn't mind that !

But a terrifying feeling hit me when he was appreciated and I was not!

It is terrifying for me that I crave love and appreciation so much !

I have been hit by one of the worst episodes of depression in the past some time just because of the hug that he got and I didn't!

I do think I am truly mentally sick now ~!

Was so happy just a few days ago.

Ah well nothing a few drugs can't cure . . .

Life . . .

Life is indeed strange.

It is strange and funny to see how I am reacting to my talented junior ! I am feeling the same contempt for him that my seniors felt for me! Though they were and still are far more vocal in their approach I tend to follow the approach of a sleeper cell : quiet and deadly.

But I intend him no harm. It is just amazing to see the emotions I feel and how the positions have switched!

Whats more is that I have learnt that in life the people who make a lot of fuss go way further than those who do their work with honesty and dedication.

Those who moan on every little hardship tend to have a easier path than those who tend to bear their hardship.

Probably our own fault that we continue to bear the injustices!

I think I deserve what I get !

I am a total failure!

Although I work hard as hell I fail to do the tasks which count the most !

Not only I ruin my reputation , they also set me back from getting bigger tasks!

I seriously need to examine what the hell is going wrong with me and why others whom I hold in contempt for not doing their work honestly and with dedication are doing so good !

Life is so unfair.

Despite working so hard for nothing , my efforts were not appreciated.

And to add insult to injury the guy who was given the reward didn't deserve it at all.

In fact it was he, who was responsible mainly for my suffering over the past 2 months.

And the criteria decided to chose him !

He hardly fit in the the criteria!

Infact he was the exact opposite of it!

Its just not fair !

I don't know how much more of this I can take !

Its been 8 months and my work is going unrewarded and unappreciated!

Crazy . . .

Finally after months of hard work , it looks like I might get some reward for my hard work but strangely I am not very interested or happy about it.

Now I just want to run away. I am tired and need a little break!

I am just going crazy I think . I am beginning to hate and regret the things that I once liked. 

Something strange is happening!

Heart Broke

I don't know what to do anymore.
After working my heart and soul out I face total despair.
I am totally depressed.
There is no reward for my hard work just more and more hardship and I don't know how much more I can take . . .