THE BREAKUP

I went out and forgot to take my phone with me...
Came back and saw her sitting there ... the look on her face... she had found out her man was having an affair!!!
It had been a few days ... I noticed her sitting and quietly observing me while I had been texting ... Hell she had noted my code and had unlocked my cell while I was away...

... she had read it all... and she was mad...

It was not that I am having an affair... not even sexting ... just simple messages... but my argument that I was extremely lonely ...I guess really had no chance...my texts to a junior colleague were under scrutiny... nothing but flirting and lust ... I stand accused...in the society that we live in such relationships have no name... and are often looked upon with dirty intentions...

She got family and friends... am left with not a single soul... yet she is not willing to understand this...

NO HELP POLICY

Because we work in a system , where merit means nothing and one must have money or SIFARISH ( a term for a bribe based on money , political or otherwise family or organizational backing) it comes as no surprise that the doctors are often running from pillar to post to get some... 

Partly its our own fault since we all love to be at the place where we like to work. Promotions and postings can be achieved by those well connected.

and for the less fortunate it brings often misery.... mental anguish and emotional suffering at seeing those below them coming and sitting on their heads just because of this... 

turns out HE too tends to have a no help policy... kind of sad when you consider that we work day and night for him ...and it is within his power to help each and everyone of us... yet he does nothing...

D U M B

re CONTACT

So I had  a crush ...
Am human...
I got desires...
But I keep them in check...

Reality check ....

Am living a very difficult and hard life
am strange and complicated
am not exactly the material girl's dreams are made of
most of the people in my life are angry / upset/ sad with me
so I don't think I should even think of making anyone suffer any of this by coming close to me

so I finally convince my self to get over her
and I just shut my mouth
and make absolutely no contact
but then
she makes contact

CRUSH STORY

30th Nov
notice her for the first time
1st Dec
saw her looking cool in canteen
9th Dec
meet her friend at the door of the ward. an ex-internee and 'think' that see her unable to take her eyes off my face and her lovely smile
17th Dec,19th & 21st Dec
unable to take my eye off her
28th Dec
snap a few secret pics
30th Dec
she does something ... comes and sit exactly across me... looks at me ... smiles ... looks at her friend ... smiles... (atleast thats what I think)
5th Jan
ask another internee for her no. msg her.
somewhere between 5th and 20th jan
'mistakenly' send her msgs and she also responds
21st jan & 22nd Jan
take initiative and joke with her on chat
27th & 28th Jan
talk a lot on chat... feel real good...
asks a favour
she comes and sit right besides me ... almost touching me... place a can of soft drink in between us... she repeatedly touches it as if to move it... am confused.... think it is all in my mind... try best to ignore it ...(sadly)
30th Jan
fulfil the favour
31st Jan
she sends thankyou msg
night of 1st & 2nd feb
'mistakenly' send her a text
talk for hours
frankly and freely
shares her birthdate
but by end suddenely mood changes ... like she suddenely wants to back off
3rd Feb
sends a message
indirectly telling to back off

now I sit and wonder
what the hell did I do?
what the hell just happened?
what the hell was I thinking?
was it something real or just something fucked up my mind imagined ?
now I sit broken for no reason
sad & depressed
promising myself never to open up to anyone again ...

Heart vs Mind

I cannot imagine the silly things the so called LOVE makes us do. . .

It cannot be LOVE.
Not again ...
not her ...
whats wrong with me ?

The sane part of my mind says its nothing... 
... its just the fact that am so much over worked and understress and lonely all the time that the fact that a human could be insterested even a bit in me has made my heart bonkers...

too bad ... cause today all day I sit near her and she doesn't even look towards me... 

Guess the mind is right and the heart is wrong