DEJECTED

It is sad not to be loved.
Despite all that you have done , you go un-noticed! Despite all your sacrifices you are unappreciated! Despite all your hard-work you don't even get any gesture of appreciation ! Not even a pat on the back or a few kind words that would have brightened an otherwise gloomy day !
Who says hard work pays ? It DOESN'T!
Somehow I feel dejected and lost.
I have been thinking hard and I think I am not totally without blame. It is my fault I have ended up this way. I had the opportunity of a lifetime and I failed to grasp it with both hands. Luck doesn't smile twice. Misfortune keeps coming back until you fall for it.
I have to change myself. Transform myself.
No body cares for the nice guys. They always finish last.

A new beginning

I cannot believe that it has already been 18 + 6 months!

I have to go away for 6 months now. After which I will have 2 more years to go!

My departure has been hastened and forced by certain events. A lot of loose ends are still left. I need to work fast to bring everything in order.

Am a bit confused and saddened. Cannot believe I just said that! But then again it is me we are talking about. I will probably grow fond of hell even . . .

Anyhow am going to start a new blog from the first day of next year. A blog of daily events and thoughts. Will keep updating this blog as well but with the same frequency as this year.

It is strange. I wonder if someone will even read these words of mine ? Or will they be as forgotten and overlooked as I have been.

PHOBIA

After more than a year of not having to face any exams or tests I finally have to face one tomorrow and I am petrified. I am scared to death.

I wish I could find some corner where I could curl up and cry myself to death rather than give the test tomorrow. The fear of failure is driving me insane.

I seem to have and inexplicable and unreasonable fear for being tested . . .

WHY DOES HE LIKE ME ?

I really don't know. But it is obvious.

He likes me. He makes sure that I am not ignored. He makes sure that when I fall he helps me get up.He is there with his guidance and kind words.

I don't know why . . . 

DEPRESSION

I am having yet again an attack of depression.

I am in a way responsible for bring this on myself. I should have covered my mistake when I had the time to do so but I failed. The cruel words of a senior have brought forth a total loss of confidence in myself. I feel miserable and want to leave this pathetic place. I have been working hard and have got nothing to show for it. I haven't been awarded any piece of work which was worth doing, instead I toil away doing things that no-one wants to do. The dirty and rotten stuff all belong to me. 

Furthermore, I am beginning to question whether I made a right choice to join this field int he first place. I still make basic mistakes or so I am told so. I cannot make up my mind : whether I am a total idiot for failing to learn even after 2 years or whether I am being unfairly singled out.

Another thing is that I have a bad habit of owning up to my mistakes. Most of the people around me feel no compulsion to do so.

Anyhow have got another hectic week ahead.

Hope I don't commit suicide . . .