Gibberish

I made a mistake and it made me really worried and concerned. I cudn't sleep. I kept goin back to check up on it. It gave me nightmares the whole night. Really turnedme off. I felt like a loser and really wanted to quit.

My life is nothing short of a mess right now. I better get my house in order.

I should start what I am suppsoed to be doing soon or I'll be in a lot of trouble.

I just cannot seem to concentrate.

Oh and I am beginning to hate some of the people around me.

Is it them or is it the fact that I continue to get used by them? I cannot really decide.

But it seems that I have been a nice guy for far too long.

It seems to have got me nowhere.

What the hell am I thiniking?

I am not really sure. 

I jsut want to break away and break free of everything . . .

Happy

So here I am . 

Back after facing the consequences of my decision .

Consequences ? What consequences ?

There were none :)

It has made me happy.

Worked all night yesterday on an assignment and it got postponed.

Feelin kinda lucky :)

Maybe its the codeine in my system but I feel great and estatic . . .

Ah yes that could be it ! The codeine that is making me happy or I dont know. Am just enjoying myself today. 

Thinking ahead I already got a spare presentation made and have just got the idea where to find my next one.

Have a sudden urge to write a long post about not quite anything in particular.

Just write something long and pretty much useless.

Gee , if someone is reading this , you my friend just wasted your time.

Its definitely the codeine ! 

Now I feel like laughing ! 

Oh and will try to add a song to this post .

I thinks its cool :)

DID IT !

It is done :)

Lets enjoy today.

Tomorrow will bring who knows what?

But let's not ruin today with worry of tomorrow.

MY WAY

Well finally I am going to do something totally crazy and stupid tomorrow.

Something that will go against all that I have been doing.

Lets see if things go my way or . . . 

Enough is enough

How much can you take ?

How long can you hold out ?

How much can u bear?

I am at my limits now.

My hard work goes un-noticed , un-rewarded and un-appreciated!

While those that whine and do half hearted miserable jobs covering their asses with lies , getting all the appreciation and praise.

Who says the key to success is H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K???

They LIE!

Its kissing your boss's behind and lying like the devil !

So lonely . . .

At times when I am lonely I think what has become of my life?

I wonder if this is really what I wanted for myself?

I am nowhere , and the people who were nothing have reached great heights !

All my hard work , all my efforts ? Do they amount to nothing?

I am still there , but those who started out with me have left. Left for better lives . Left for greener pastures. 

And I stand there, all alone , burying myself in my work to drown out my sorrows . . . 

Crisis to crisis

Woaha . . . it's been quiet some time since I last was here.

Nothin new. I am still the same miserable guy that I was before.

Seems like my life has become nothing but a series of crisis from which there is no relief. This blog is nothing but a memento of the depression that I face and fight constantly!

I shortly face an interview which could end my fruitless labour and provide me with money and security yet I have no preparation for it. 

The more I try to prepare for it the more I become depressed.

Ah . . . self destruction again . . . 

Demons . . my old demons . . . are back to haunt me . . . I shall fall . . . and the world shall laugh as always . . . 

Fruitless Labour

I wonder how long I am supposed to carry on like this ?

Working for nothing.

Doing menial jobs! Doing things that no one else wants to do ?

Not getting the things that I am supposed to be doing?

And to make it worse . . . those below me are being given the chance one after the other?

Is this some sort of test or does my boss think I am so useless?

P.S. On the other hand I do find my skill and confidence increasing . . . hmm. . .

Why?

Well there is this "colleague" of mine , actually she isn't a colleague anymore rather she used to be.

But that's not the point.

Whenever she meets me she meets me with a smile.

I feel a strange comfort with her.

She remembers me on important events when no one else remembers.

My mind has often drifted to the "obvious" conclusion that anyone would draw from this , however, I have always compelled myself to believe that there must be some other reason for which she has been caring for me.

Now I know that she cares for me. She has been since we met. Even though I have moved away.

The only question is . . . WHY?

Left Alone

I wonder why ?

I dunno why I wonder ?

Am I destined to be left alone?

Loved by the people who meet me ?

Praised by my fellows?

Yet everyone moves away !

Leaving me alone!

Am I destined to be alone?

Am I ?

FATE

F A T E . . . 

 

Its a cruel friend. . . . 

You won't believe the extents to which it will go to change your life.

For better or for worse???

Thats the question!!!

Maybe I am being paranoid.

Maybe fate is not out to get me!

Changing and altering the course of events and people just to get me ?

Maybe it is all JUST in my head?

Or is it?

I sure hope for the best . . . 

Tender Touch ?

Was it the last time I saw you ?

Was it the last time I felt your tender touch ?

Or was it just fate playing its cruel joke?

You never said anything. . . 

I never broke my silence . . . 

and so my dear we must part . . . .

Not knowing what we felt ! or even if we felt the same thing!

I'll miss you ! Surely !

Beautiful Lies

Why is it that our heart aches for things that can never be ?

Why is it that we ignore what we often secretly desire?

When someone lies , and almost figures out our secret desire , why do we wish that the lies were true ?

Oh lies . . . 

. . . such beautiful lies . . . 

Just My Luck

Well, maybe its me being me , but I guess not.

Well the trouble is this that while I was taking a "few days" off someone else has started his/her training at the place where I intended to do so. Now this could be just a coincidence or this could be the beginning of my bad luck. Not that I wish anything bad to the person , yet , I feel that I lost an opportunity .

I hope everything goes alright.

I'll find that out in 24 hours as to how the seniors respond to me. But whether I lost out on my opportunity or not will probably take some time.

In a few weeks I'd probably look back at this , and would either be delighted or totally depressed.

Let's pray for the best . . . 

Back after exam

Well I am back after my exam.

Had to work very hard for 2 months but thankfully it paid off as i cleared the exam in first attempt. Now I got to undergo training for the next 4 years. Man what was I thinking?

Am just sitting at home wasting time . Guess I can take a few days off. Don't feel too happy. Dunno why. That's just me I guess. I always feel this way at the start of things. Probably will start in a few days. Hell I got 4 years ahead of me of hard work and pain.

I deserve a few days off, don't I?

Why Alive?

Man , I feel so lonely. So left out. So useless. So forgotten. 

SO insignificant. . . 

I got no real friends, no gf, no hobbies, no interests,no purpose, no journey, no destination, no life........

Wonder why I am still alive?

If I were to die today there isn't a soul to shed a tear for me.

Wow 25 years and I have got nowwehre !

Finding Faith

"O those of My servants who have transgressed against your own selves, despair not of God's mercy. God does forgive all sins, for surely He is the most forgiving most merciful one." (39:53)

----The Holy Quran.

Strange isn't it ? How we need Allah. Sometimes when you have been away from religion for sometime you feel ashamed. Like an old relationship. You want to come back but you are afraid. I have been away for a while now. Reading the above just somehow makes so much sense. Back to religion. Maybe the depression I have been feeling for many days now is nothing more than my guilt.

Bad Luck

Boy , am I cursed or what?

It seems everything that can go wrong with anything I do has to go wrong.

I feel like a complete idiot.

It just took me 3 days to get done a piece of work which required not more than 60 minutes from start to finish!

And now of the 6 guys that I had submitted the exact similar applications for , guess whose comes back ?

MINE!

God must hate me :(

The Beginning

Ah , hello there . It has took me a long time to decide to finally start my blog. Been thinking about it for quite some time.

I'll be here often sometimes and then might disappear for a long time without any reason.

Hope you'll come to know about me with time.

There isn't going to be much of interest here I guess for ordinary people.

Just a blog about whats going on in my mind. . .